Updated: Jun 7, 2019
Been there, done that! Here's my cheat victim experience, how I got through it, and my therapy guide.
My Cheat Victim Experience
In A Bombshell!
After knowing my ex-boyfriend for 3 years, who is a police officer mind you, I decided to give a relationship a swing. Well, the first red flag should have been the fact that it took me 3 years to pursue a serious relationship because initially I met him through my friend/hair stylist at the time whom he swore he never had a sexual relationship with, nor dated. I kept turning him down every time he tried to pursue a conversation. Only making small talk. Then I started to blast out messages and videos for my business. He was really inspired and wanted to converse about business. So I took the bait and a few hours later I was, pretty much, finessed into a relationship. When I mentioned that I wanted to talk to my home-girl, whom I met him through, before proceeding he wanted to call off the relationship advising it wasn't necessary because there was never a relationship.
Fast forward 4 months later, we communicated solely by phone, video chat, and text because he was in Air Force training in San Antonio, Texas. I was in Florida. However, he would return back to Florida on police duty among completion of his training. So this gave us time to try to get to know each other without sex being involved, which was a plus. After 4 months of conversing and feeling pressured to be in a relationship, I agreed to pursue making the relationship official before actually physically seeing him and us getting to know each other in person. I made last minute arrangements to visit him for his graduation, while also trying to move into my new place. I made some sacrifices on purchasing furniture because he wanted me to move in with him. I applied for a new job, started traveling back and forth to see him every 2 weeks along with other sacrifices. All to pursue a relationship with this "wonderful" guy.
Well, once I started visiting and staying with him on the weekends I started noticing things. Female products under the sink, phone being left in the car, phone on silent, phone face down, and he was always on Instagram before he would initiate conversations with me in the mornings. Then I started paying attention to his Instagram following. He was following thousands of females, over three thousand minimum. Models, body builders, high school friends, and random females. Sexually explicit females. Lots of them. Then I started seeing him like other female's pictures. Once, I came over to his place and noticed two plates, two cups, two pairs of silverware, two bowls as though someone else was there. It made me think for a minute but I brushed it off. Then he went to make me a key to his house. He got a spare key for him because he locked his keys in the house, one for me and another one, for what reason I didn't know and didn't ask. Another thing I noticed was that I left my house slippers in his bedroom. On my next visit back the shoes were located in the spare room he had for his mom. With her things. Tucked away in the closet. Again, I was suspicious but I didn't question anything. I just kept mental notes.
Well, finally it all came together...He told me he was going to get off the phone to do homework and I caught him on Instagram. So I made him give me the password to his account and I ... SHUT... IT... DOWN! Okay! Real quick. Funny thing was, he was more than grateful to shut it down and was happy because it forced him to really focus on his relationship, work, school work, and overtime. So eventually we discussed him getting back on social media and I questioned why he hadn't posted pictures from the graduation in June 2018. He didn't make a big deal about it. He posted the pictures and boy were the females upset with him! He said his ex-girlfriend had reached out. My ex-friend/hairstylist had reached out, and people were saying things but he was handling it. So I didn't know what was being said. He said he would handle it and I trusted him to handle it because he had been forthcoming with the information. So mind you all of this has only transpired within a month and a half of him graduating and returning back home to Florida.
So August 2018, we headed over to Coco Beach for his training for the Air Force. At this point, I have the password to his phone and a mental note of all the cheating suspicions. We got to the hotel after a heated argument which almost leads me not to tag along. Little did I know I was not the only one he had invited along anyway. But I found this out way later. (Don't worry girl we'll get to that!) So while he was asleep I went through his phone and found sexual messages between him and a third party dispatcher. She had a homeless husband, whom she'd mentioned she had problems with and was curious about who I was, his new girlfriend. He sends her a picture of us. She compliments me via text, however, she proceeds to have a sexual conversation even after being told he was in a new relationship and he went right along with it. He was just as guilty. Well, girl! I woke him up in rage. Asked who she was, made him call her and end the relationship, and I packed my things at 2 am in the morning to head 3 hours home. Only minutes down the road he begged me to come back, he apologized and wanted to fix the relationship. I went back only because it was so late but the following day while he was at training I left. He thought everything was good but he realized I was not the one to play with when I left and was already in my city by the time he went on lunch.
Well, after a week of talking on and off, arguing, pleading me not to leave, I asked him if he was still communicating with anyone. He said he was. It blew my mind and I went into a rage again. I couldn't understand how he wanted to work things out but was still talking to other females. At this point I told him the only way we would get back together was through therapy, getting a new phone number, and ending all communications with receipts. After telling his mom I was informed this was an issue he's had since high school. So yes ya'll, he needed professional help. There was nothing I could do to fix years of his cheating behavior. So I finally was able to talk to five females that all claimed they were still in either a relationship with him, sexually involved, dating or just in constant communication with him. One female got pregnant from him in high school and got an abortion, one was an ex-girlfriend that moved to Philly, another was an ex-girlfriend that was from New York and had a teenage daughter that loved him like a father figure, another female was in Texas and she had gotten pregnant by him but had recently gotten an abortion, and another was a friend from high school that he was courting which was the female he invited to Coco Beach, pending if I was going or not.
Between the five of them, there had been stories of cheating, knowing he was in a relationship with me but they were still talking or having sex with him. One female has a key to his house and would come over, hence the extra key and additional eating utensils I mentioned earlier, even had the code to his security alarm. One female, he was still dating apparently until he posted the picture of us on his Instagram and she immediately broke up with him. And the list goes on. I could talk for days on the stories these women had. However, I won't. So after this devastating experience of talking with these women, I decided to end the pursuit of this situation-ship. It was too much to unpack and would have taken too much to get back to trusting him.
"I'll Be Moving On" -Mya
Now I'm not encouraging any women to check phones, phone records, or place location tracking on their significant other. However, I was given the tools willingly from my ex-boyfriend. He gave me access. This was not something I had to sneak to achieve. It was an open book that I read into with detail. But if things are not as open for you in your relationship it could most definitely be a red flag. I was able to move on by getting rid of or selling the gifts he bought, ending and deleting all form of communications with him, getting back into the swing of building my business, taking myself on dates, and hanging out with my "real" friends.
Well, ladies, I'm blogging today to share information with you on how to decide whether to fight for your relationship or move on. So I've attached an informative document on things to consider and also a "Cheat Victim Therapy" worksheet to complete. Upon completion, if you still need guidance my door is always open to assist. I'm hoping this is an eye-opener for my females to Queen Up and Boss Up. We're all we got. Until the next blog, Be Inspired!
The document link above serves as a consideration guide in the first step of your decision making to continue or move on from the relationship..
The document link above serves as a therapeutic guide to channel your inner thoughts, clear, your mind, and help you gain clarity in what you are seeking and how you're feeling.
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